The Pointless Message: Part 2

28 years old from Manchester:

"What a smile! You're the perfect example of a real woman, curvy and warm, you look great x shame I'm so far away! X"

He can tell that I'm both real and warm all the way from behind a computer screen in Manchester.  

First Messages: Part 15

38 years old from Booker

"How are. You ?xx"

The fragmented robot.

First Messages: Part 14

26 years old from the Netherlands

"U must be one awesome person!"

No, actually I'm five! 

First Messages: Part 13

52 years old from Italy

"Ti adoro.
Dario."

Wrong language and you're older than my father.  Other than that...

First Messages: Part 12

26 years old from Staines

"Hey how are you lol dino pic haha nice well you seem cool so

Are you ticklish on feet and tummy would you be tickled for fun maybe tied? Not sex lol actually tickling

So if you like let me no"

There are no words.

First Messages: Part 11

34 years old from Southampton

"Hello :) 

I love your profile, maybe if you have time it would be nice to make a friend and get to know you :) and maybe even enjoy your company with me on an European tour if your up for it! ;) 

Do have a great day :)

Andy"

Smilie faces are not punctuation.

First Messages: Part 10

32 years old from Bognor Regis

"Hi,

I'm Dan, so tell me something are all Libra women as geeky as you, or are you just a one off!? ;)"

As far as I'm aware, womankind doesn't hold that type of information on a central register.

The Pointless Message: Part 1

31 years old from Bristol

"Love your choice of films!

Pity you live in Southampton as I could do with a female cinema buddy! "

Someone in Bristol wants to watch movies with someone else.  This is just what I pay £30.00 a month to hear!

First Messages: Part 9

27 years old from Bournemouth

"Hi girly I'm jacob live in Bournemouth I like your profile and would love to hear from you. Things I like include tea and hobnobs, kissing, cuddles, Star Trek, good food and you of course :)"

Hi boy-y.  Things I like include sloppy language skills and being patronised....and you, of course.

First Messages: Part 8

37 years old from Fareham

"hmmm ok think im in love.........x

Gets on bended knee with red rose....x

(coughs ) anyway how are you ?

Alex"

Mmmmm, delicious copypasta.  Dot dot dot kiss!

First Messages: Part 7

31 years old from Fair Oak

"Hello im stephen would love to chat and get to know you better I think we have a lot in common."

No, we don't.  For a start, I spell my first name with a capital letter.

First Messages: Part 6

29 years old from Stockcross:

"Hey,

Right...I'm as shy as they come for initiating, but if you bare with me, it might be worth it. Just wanted to let you know I enjoyed reading your profile!

How's your Friday going?

I Hope to hear back for sure."

Dude, I'm not baring with anyone.  I'm staying fully clothed.  Thanks.

First Messages: Part 5

38 years old from Bournemouth:

"In the words of yoda...."message me back you will if you like" ;)"

In the words of Yoda..."Kind of creepy you sound".

First Messages: Part 4

32 years old from Romsey

"You mentioned you like cats! are you starting worry you will end up the mad old lady type with loads of cats?

I keep running into the same problems with this online dating.Most girls tell me that they're not looking for 'fun'.Which is a shame, because I'm not looking for 'misery'. 

Sorry for viewing your profile more than once! I'm not the stalker type! and hope that's not a disappointment for you."

But misery loves company!  And stalkers!  Seriously though, is this your way of trying to get in my pants?

First Messages: Part 3

32 years old from Wallington

"you have the best picture of someone with a millennium falcon on your head!!!"

He only speaks the truth.

First Messages: Part 2

30 years old from Holbury

"Hi my name is David that would be interesting talking to you maybe you send me a message back"

David suffers a nervous aversion to punctuation, I assume.

First Messages: Part 1

31 years old from Southampton:

"I thought that was a chameleon you had there in one of your pictures, but I guess thats the Dino bit. Just how strict a vegetarin are you?"

Roughly translates to "just how much bacon will I have to give up for us to have sex".